Never really understood, why on earth did I actually take that step?! Maybe because I needed someone to listen to me and simply me. Not that I didn’t have people around me to, but then when things are destined you can’t certainly help it!
Hmmm….anyways when he happened to first propose me, I knew at the very moment that I am assertive about it. Yet something stopped me from saying so immediately. Maybe an inner voice who wished that I should think before committing. I’ll confess here that I was very partial regarding my decision to say yes and so it happened. One night, in middle of some talk I said a “yes”. He was happy and I am sure he knew it already! I was happy too, stupid enough to think that he was the one!
Told my friends about it, their reactions were those that I’ll never forget. From “yaar ab to tu badi hogai” to “chal ab party de”, everyone was glad that I found someone. Indeed there were those who were really concerned and told me to be careful as far as the background of this goes. I’ll confess again that I hardly paid any heed to it. Though I knew they were right, extremely if I may add, I was still adamant to ignore them.
I met him, an official date. An experience that won’t vanish from my memory (after all it will be my first). I don’t wish to either. And from then on things took a different course. Something I hadn’t expected. Frankly speaking, something I didn’t wish.
Taken for granted! Yes this will suffice. And yes by him. I think he didn’t want it to happen( I like thinking this way), but couldn’t manage to stop it. Now was it when I started doubting his feelings. Sometimes he gave me assurance like nothing can bring this journey to a halt and sometimes I wondered whether are we really on this journey together?
Things again changed by new year. Everything was gala, like I had finally owned him. Mistaken again. Confession time. I have to admit that I started fearing about losing him somehow. I needed more assurance. And all of a sudden it ended.
The day arrived and it all came to a halt. I cried like I have never cried before. That sinking feeling, I never wish to feel it again. It felt miserable. I felt miserable. Tears pouring down when his name was mentioned, when I read the old messages, when I listened to songs that reminded me of him. Okay here I am getting sentimental, but no lies, this is what I felt.
Again had to pass this information onto my dear ones. Reactions again unforgettable. I realized then that I was very wrong about them, to think that there is no one who would actually care. FIRST LESSON LEARNED. I thank them, I thank them all who did everything they could to bring a smile on my face. Though I am going to be abused for saying this if they happen to read it!
Need to know what happened in the end? One fine evening I was face to face with reality. That all my fears, all that I didn’t wish had come true. I had chosen the wrong person. He isn’t the one. And I decided to end it my way.
I did so. And at the very moment I felt blessed! A feeling I hadn’t witnessed in a long time! My genuine smile returned, no longer to force it up. No more tears(okay this sounds like some commercial ad). But true. And here I am able to jot this down, recollect it and laugh at it. Yes, laugh at it! Glad, really glad!
Though he is an inseparable part of my life, though I’ll never be able to forget him completely, though I curse myself to take that decision, I thank him and forgive him! He made me realize that there must be no one more important to you than your own self! That you are bound to believe in yourself and trust your own decisions. That you happen to be your best adviser! That to never fool yourself! LESSONS LEARNED so as to never forget them!
And I complete this whatever you might like to call it with a very big grand smile on my face because of the satisfaction to find myself again n treasure it!
Love yourself more than anyone!
(just like that!)